Death

"R" died last night... Or this morning... Not sure which. All I know is that I found him this morning, and it appeared obvious to me that it wasn't a pleasant passing.  

Going in there, I expected it was going to be bad, even though I didn't know exactly what I was about to see.  You know that feeling, when you don't know exactly what has happened, but the circumstances are all pointing toward only one possible outcome, and that happens to be the worst possible outcome, and you have that sinking feeling in your stomach that your eyes are about to confirm what your mind already suspects...

My first reaction was extreme sadness for him...  Because when I knew him (up until a few hours ago) he was such a happy person.  Always kind and courteous.  Always a smile on his face....  He was an  honest, trustworthy and reliable person who always had a smile and a handshake to offer to everyone.  What more could you want out of someone?

My second reaction was extreme sadness for the person standing next to me, who had loved him his whole life.  My gut suggested I shouldn't allow him in the door, but then I challenged that feeling asking, "who am I to deny such a request from the person who loved him so dearly..."  

And then he bellowed, "Oh God!!  Oh my God!!!"  and I instantly knew it was a bad idea, even though I shouldn't have stopped it from happening.

I've been hearing that all day long, over and over...  "Oh God!!  Oh my God!!!"  I sincerely hope I forget what that sounded like, rattling my ears and bouncing around inside my head as my mind processed what was happening....

I've seen many corpses in various stages of decomposition.  I even had to sit with one of the corpses for about 14 hours one time, and it stared at me the whole time as it's head grew heavier and heavier and slowly traveled closer to the floor as the hours passed.  We would joke about it as people walked by and inquired what the horrible smell was...  Maybe somebody farted...   "Did you fart??"

"Who me?  No I didn't fart...  It smells like you need a shower...."

"It smells to me like you have shit yourself;  I think you need to go to the bathroom!" 

I've come to the conclusion it's not death that bothers me...  It's not even his death that bothered me all day.  It's the suffering.

It's the suffering I imagine he endured as he was dying...  All alone in there...  Unable speak or to call out for help.  Alone, on the ground, knowing he was dying and there wasn't anything he could do to change his situation...  And the horrible pain...  "When will the pain stop??  Wait, no, I'm not ready to go, I don't want it to end...  But the pain..."   And the inevitable, "If I had only told him I loved him..."  or "If I had only done this or that for this person I love...."  thoughts he must have been having as he neared his end...

I really don't know the extent of his suffering, all I know is it appeared after the fact as if he suffered a great deal, and my imagination filled in the blanks...

I do know the suffering of the one he left behind though...  The sad sound of it rattled around in my head all day.  And it with the inevitable second thoughts that must have accompanied the sorrow...  Self condemnation...  "If I had only....  If I had only stayed the night with him I could have prevented this...  If I had only taken him more seriously when he called and said he wasn't feeling well..."

It shined a bright light in the dark hidden place where I hide my fears and insecurities.  Face it we all have them, we just manage them differently...  Some of us wear them around on our foreheads....  I prefer to keep mine locked away, hidden in a dark, cold cavity somewhere inside myself where I can get to them in a hurry when I need to use them (like for "fight or flight"), but where they can be otherwise kept out of the way so that I can function as well as possible.  It was a very sudden reminder that I am afraid of the idea that I might die alone...  Without the ones I love near by.  Saying it makes it sound silly.  That would probably be the most preferable way to die, as to cause my loved ones as little suffering as possible.  They will certainly suffer regardless, but if they don't have to witness my suffering, maybe they wont suffer quite as much...  Anyway, I'm a selfish bastard and I really don't want to die alone...

"R" was a good man whom someone loved dearly, and the world will be a better place as a result of him having been here....

He's gone but we are still here.......  For now...